Conspiracy Theory with ANN FINKLE

Lou is out sick today, I'm Ann Finkle...and THIS is Conspiracy Theory.

Today we're going to ask "Will the government lock up fat people in the year 2025."

Now, a lot of you left wing morons write me nasty comments on Twitter when I started this question. Ha! Guess what lefties, I'm writing this and you can't stop me. My husband Lou has a small stomach virus he got from a Indian restaurant down the street. I told Lou the Patel family wasn't trying to poison you, there was just some bad shrimp in the curry-n-rice, but he kept saying I'm going to make this my next show "Are Indians trying to take over America by poisoning us." I told him, if you do that show somebody will sue us Lou.

Anyway, I thought up the topic for the show today ladies. This blog wasn't friendly to women before. But, that changes starting tonight.

Now ladies, we all hate it when we see a outfit that's on sale but they only have it in size 0. Those bastards could make that same dress in a normal size....but Noooooo. They want to keep those anorexic bitches in good clothes with their pretty hair and nails.

That's not by accident, either. Somebody is telling them to do it! It's the government.

You see, it's all part of their plan to lock up fat people. They are going to put us in concentration camps...in Cuba!

OBAMA is getting all friendly with the Castro brothers, because Castro is already locking up fat women over there and Obama wants to put some Americans in those camps.
They'll do it real slow at first. They'll start with midgets and those people who watch Big Bang Theory. And we'll all be okay with it at first.

But, then they'll go after the fat women. They'll try to trick us with free cruise ship tickets and all-you-can-eat-buffets, but as soon as you get off the boat, one of the boat people will hit you over the head and take you away to the concentration camp. And you'll sit there...sure they'll have food....healthy food. God-damn HEALTHY FOOD!

They'll have broccoli sticks and carrot straws and cauliflower. I swear to God, if I have to eat cauliflower I'm going to have to kill a bitch!

The clock says my time is up...well ladies...I don't know if Lou will be better for the next blog, but until then. If someone offers you cauliflower...your going to have to kill 'em.

                                                                                                      -I'm Ann Finkle

Conspiracy Theory talks #WarPigs

I'm Lou Finkle...and THIS is Conspiracy Theory

Today we're going to talk about the movie WAR PIGS and why it sucked.

Let's start with Mickey Rourke.

It's 1944, his hair was too long, sunglasses did exist, shirt button too low, no t-shirt, and then looking at his face was like, which didn't exist back then either. His acting was good...very good. It was so good, you can't get over the fact that he looks like a clown the entire time he's says these great lines.

Then there's Luke Goss

It's called a 1000 yard stare for a reason. Luke Goss looks down so much, I thought most of the movie was about his shoes. His acting is good. But, it's inconsistent with a actual military behavior.

Then there's Dolph Lundgren

He is the only person in this crap that shouldn't be kicked in the balls.
He does a French accent and breaks it from time to time to do a German accent depending on what scene he's in. But, still believable.

The plot is...THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN.

Seven guys go behind German lines and do stuff. They were suppose to rescue hostages, but you don't remember that and it doesn't matter. All of it is just to find a gun. A really big gun.

Conspiracy Theory (episode 3)

I'm Lou Finkle...and THIS is Conspiracy Theory

Today's topic of the show is The Illuminati and are they responsible for KFC bringing back Colonel Sanders.

My wife tells me "You're crazy, Lou. You should stop this podcast and fix the kitchen cabinets before they fall down kill the cat." I tell her we don't have a cat...eh.

Now, the Illuminati is a powerful group. They go back all the way to the Egyptians and telling people how to build the camels and stuff like that. It was said that they made the Mummy's curse. Now, what if they took that Mummy's curse and wrap the Colonel's body up in it with 11 herbs and spices so that one day he could come back to Earth and start the apocalypse.


He carries a cane. That can is the key to his immortality.

With it, he can control the weather and cause earthquakes with just a wave of his hand. I heard one time a guy ask him for a $2 dollar raise and he turned him into bucket of extra crispy chicken. His name was Jeff...and he was delicious. You couldn't deny it!

Now, with the Colonel turns us all into chicken, The Illuminati will come out of nowhere and take us over. What are we going to do?....use guns?...how are you going to use a gun, your a bucket of CHICKEN. You're not gonna have fingers....well maybe chicken strips....with an order of fries and medium drink.

And that's how they're gonna do it.

That's why I eat at Taco Bell. The Illuminati hates Taco Bell after the Taco War of '96.

I am Lou Finkle....and THIS is Conspiracy Theory

Conspiracy Theory (episode 2)

This is Lou Finkle...and THIS is Conspiracy Theory

Today we're going to discuss if BIGFOOT breaking in my house and using my toothpaste.

Now, I was at the Wal-Mart the other day and bought a two pack of Crest with baking soda and I got it on sale. Jerry was there today and he overcharged me for a hot dog. So, I set him straight about that he gave me a free one. That Jerry is a good guy. My wife looked at me and said "How the Hell is Bigfoot using your toothpaste, Lou?"

I told her to go back in the kitchen and fix me a lemon-aid or something and leave me alone.

I'll tell 'ya how I KNOW it's Bigfoot. I was driving home through the woods as I do. Not that I enjoy the sights, but I like to keep away from the drones that's flying around spying on me. So, I'm driving through the woods and I see this hairy back guy standing in one spot. So, I stopped the car and called out "Hey, what're you doing out there?" He didn't turn around when I said that so I said "Hey, you're not one of them bigfeet are 'ya?" And that when he just ran off real fast.

So, when I got home, I saw this wood in front of the door. My wife says the stairs she told me to fix last week, but I said "No, that's not it. I know Damn well that's one of them bigfeet."

So, I woke up the next morning and went to brush my teeth and there it was...a used tube of toothpaste. That's when it occurred to me...it was Bigfoot!

He broke in my house in the middle of the night and started to brush his teeth with my Crest with baking soda. My wife tells me she's the one who used it, but she lies.

So, now I lock my toothpaste up and keep it under the bed...Where's it safe.

This is Lou Finkle...and THIS is Conspiracy Theory

Conspiracy Theory (episode 1)

This is Lou Finkle...and THIS is Conspiracy Theory.

On today's show we look at UFO's and are they secretly taking my mail of out my mailbox.

My wife says it's impossible. She says "Why would aliens come millions and millions of light years across space to Red Pearl, Alabama just to steal your mail, Lou?" And I look at her and I say "Go make me a sandwich and leave me alone will 'ya"

But, she has a point I'd like to go over if you don't mind.

How do you learn about the human condition? How do you know a person's habits and customs? How do you learn how to predict a human or foretell how they will act? That's right...you check his mail.

I've got a stack of mail right here....electric...gas....water...Oh, see here...it's a catalog from Sears.

I like Sears, me and my wife enjoy a lot of their things from there. She's getting old now, so I get out the power drill and....well never mind...when you've been married long enough you know exactly what you need a power drill for. And you don't think the aliens want to know what I'm doing with my power drill?

I was in my bedroom the other night and I saw them looking in the window laughing!

I said "Hey you space aliens, get away from my window! I'm calling the cops! I swear to God, I'll call 'em!"...After that they ran away.

So, I went to Sears and bought a lock to put on my mailbox.

My wife says "How will we get our mail, Lou?"...I like it when she calls me by my first name. We've been married 35 years and she doesn't think I know she's talking to me...anyway.

I got a post office box now. Let's see those space aliens try and get into that sucker.

This has been Lou Finkle....and THIS has been Conspiracy Theory.

Candy's BookTalk story

This is CSPAN's BookTalk.

And today we're talking to TJ Simmons, famed children's fiction writer. Mr. Simmons, we hear on the news that you've come under criticism for having a bad attitude toward your fans? What do you think about this controversy?

~Hello, I hope everyone understands things were blown out of proportion and I'm really a lovable person and I have respect for every single one of my fans.~

Wonderful Mr, Simmons. Because we have a couple of letters from fans we'd like to read for you today.

~Letters? I wasn't told there'd be questions.~

It's very short letters from the local elementary school.

~Short, huh? Oh I guess there's nothing wrong with a couple of letters from some of my wonderful fans.~

Our first one is from Sally Jones, she's 14 years old "Dear Mr. Simmons, my teacher says your stories have no character development and you rely too much on monsters to fill in the gaps." What do you think about that Mr. Simmons.

~Ah....Hello Sally. First off, tell your teacher to....ah...precious child....Would you tell your teacher I've given that bug up her ass a name. I call it Fred. So, walk right up to her and say TJ Simmons calls the bug up your ass, Fred.~

You see how that was rude don't you?

~I love my fans. I didn't say anything about my critics. What's your other letter?~

Our other letter is from Timmy Hall, he's 10 years old "Dear Mr. Simmons, your last story was scary. You had the creature crawl out of the bed and ate the little boy. You are a very bad man". I remind you Mr Simmons Timmy is 10 years old.

~Yeah, Timmy...my book was scary. You know what else is scary?...HIGH SCHOOL. Timmy, when you get to high school everybody is going to hate you. They're going to point at you and you're not going to have any friends. You'll make one after high school, though. And one day he will ask you to call him Susan.~

How is telling him that going to help him?

~I just realized I'm on CSPAN and nobody's watching this garbage but a bunch of old farts with 12 cats all named pickles. Look, buy my new book....or don't...I cashed the check already. How do I get outta here?~

This has been CSPAN BookTalk.

Candy's eHamony story

Hello, I'm Frank Sullivan and this my eHarmony profile.

A lot of ladies want to know what I do for a living, and I tell 'em. I'm a Hot Dog Repairman. You don't find many of us around, but it's a rich and fulfilling job.

I'm looking for a woman that fits into my strict criteria. I love kids, I love pets, I love pets with kids, I love long walks on the beach holding hands in the Springtime. Or the Summer. Which ever way I can see you naked, you know.

I love women of all types.

I love it when a woman whispers in my ear little things. But most of all, I like it when she buys her own toilet paper.

And while it's on my mind, I like if you buy your own soap too.

No, I'm not cheap. It's just you women go through toilet paper like it's going out of style. What are you people doing with it? Are you building a bridge or something? How much toilet paper do you people need?

Now, the soap is up to you. Dial, Ivory, any kind. It's just with you big gals the soap is important. I don't want to sit next to you on the sofa and smell pot roast. Yes, I said it...fat women smell like pot roast to me. And I'm not going broke to take that pot roast smell out of 'ya.

Third, I like it if you put on this waitress outfit.

When I come home, I like a to feel comfortable and the way I do it is looking at my woman and asking her "How was your day" and "Would you get me a turkey sandwich".

No, that's not sexist. You can get me any kind of sandwich. It doesn't have to be turkey.

I'm Frank Sullivan. Thanks you for read my eHarmony profile.

Candy's ZONTAR story

Citizens of Earth...THIS IS ZONTAR.

We have been monitoring your culture through television broadcast for 100 hundred of your years and we have come to a conclusion that everything must END.

We will give you chance to save your lives if you answer our demands.

1) Allow Lucy to be in Ricky's show.

2) Tell me how to get to Sesame Street! I must know now!

3) Take the first Darrin on Bewitched, and replace him with the second Lionel on The Jeffersons.

4) Bring me Captain Kirk.

5) Tell Agent Scully on X-Files I took his sister...and she tasted like chicken.

6) Mork must die!

7) Tell me if the $6 million dollar man is still working. It was the 70's after all and $6 million dollars is a lot of money. Even if he had insurance, it was $6 MILLON DOLLARS!

8) Is Who's The Boss what you watched before internet porn? Did that guy have sex with every woman in the house? Our planet wants to know.

9) Bring me the head of Tim Allen.

You have 48 Eddie Murphy hours. We will be here. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

Candy's BUBBA AFTER DARK story

It's 2 A.M. and there's a writer's strike in Alabama.

Which comes to a surprise to most of people who didn't know we knew how to write in Alabama or read or do simple math to be honest.

I'm Bubba LaRue, I'm a reporter.

And this is BUBBA AFTER DARK.

This report is brought to you by Tampuns. Yes, when your girlfriend send you out to buy Tampax and they're all out. That's when you grab for TAMPUNS...it's the same.

I went to the streets to report on what's really going on out here in the dead of night in our fair city.

So, let's talk to someone....Hey you! Yeah you! C'mere!.....Don't you run away from me!

(running)
I got you...I got you...stop moving...I'm Bubba Larue and I wanna ask you some questions.

Listen, do you like living in the city? What?
...Well you like Tampons? Here's a coupon for Tampuns...yeah, it's just as good. Now get out of here.

Man, that guy was some weirdo.

I think I should ask some women out here...Hey you! Yeah you! Don't lock your door! Hey stop that car!...damnit she's getting away....what's the matter with these people.

Oh, here comes a policeman...and he's got the guy I gave a coupon too...Hello officer, how are you?

No I'm not doing anything wrong. My name is Bubba Larue and I....yes...but I gave him a coupon.

A coupon for TAMPUNS...when your not sure what to get from the store...TAMPUNS.

Well, the policeman wants to put me in the car, so I'll be back tomorrow night with another edition of Bubba After Dark.

*This has been a public service announcement*

Candy's Donut War story

They say there's no such thing as the Donut Wars...ha!

Tell that to all those poor suckers who lost a leg back in '68. They said I was crazy when I threw a cup of coffee at the waitress for giving me the sourdough jelly filled. But, that's before I knew what was happening...now I'm letting all of you know!

Have you ever went down to your local store to get breakfast and you DON'T want eggs, you DON'T want bacon, you DON'T want sausage, you DON'T want a biscuit. No, what you want is a warm comforting embrace of a sweet pastry that's fried in the shape of a circle.

And yes, psychologically it could mean a vagina, but that's all part of the war.

Wake up, people!

You've all been lulled into a trap where pancakes have all the power and orange juice is a monkey on your back. You've been part of the sugar machine all your life and no one ever told you how to shake it off. It's because, THEY don't want you to shake it off.

Yes friends, I'm talking about the Sugar Mafia!


I was a cop back in '68 when Vinnie Sugarelli walked into my office and put a bag of money in front of me. He said "Heya cappa, You'a gotta do'a me a fav'a, Tak'a dis'a shipment to Florida for me and I giv'a you alla dis'a money."

What could I do? A policeman's salary didn't pay that much and I really couldn't understand what he was saying with that accent of his. But, I knew there was a bag of money involved so I took it.

When I went to Florida, I saw things. Women were walking around wearing nothing but donuts. And that's when I saw him...Frank "Krispy Kreme" Callahan. He never carried a gun, but he kept a donut in his suit pocket. I saw him walk up to Vinnie and shove a donut up his nose. Vinnie never saw it coming. I didn't know what to do.

What do you do when you see a donut shoved up a guys nose? They don't train for that in the academy.

I got out of there as fast as I could and ran to the nearest church. And as soon as I saw the priest I noticed he had a donut in his hand, I said "Is everybody in on this?"

The priest looked confused to what I was talking about. But I knew...I knew.

So, let this be a warning to all of you. Enjoy life while you can. 'Cause people are out there...and they want to shove a donut up your nose.

*This has been a public service announcement*