Candy's Donut War story

They say there's no such thing as the Donut Wars...ha!

Tell that to all those poor suckers who lost a leg back in '68. They said I was crazy when I threw a cup of coffee at the waitress for giving me the sourdough jelly filled. But, that's before I knew what was happening...now I'm letting all of you know!

Have you ever went down to your local store to get breakfast and you DON'T want eggs, you DON'T want bacon, you DON'T want sausage, you DON'T want a biscuit. No, what you want is a warm comforting embrace of a sweet pastry that's fried in the shape of a circle.

And yes, psychologically it could mean a vagina, but that's all part of the war.

Wake up, people!

You've all been lulled into a trap where pancakes have all the power and orange juice is a monkey on your back. You've been part of the sugar machine all your life and no one ever told you how to shake it off. It's because, THEY don't want you to shake it off.

Yes friends, I'm talking about the Sugar Mafia!


I was a cop back in '68 when Vinnie Sugarelli walked into my office and put a bag of money in front of me. He said "Heya cappa, You'a gotta do'a me a fav'a, Tak'a dis'a shipment to Florida for me and I giv'a you alla dis'a money."

What could I do? A policeman's salary didn't pay that much and I really couldn't understand what he was saying with that accent of his. But, I knew there was a bag of money involved so I took it.

When I went to Florida, I saw things. Women were walking around wearing nothing but donuts. And that's when I saw him...Frank "Krispy Kreme" Callahan. He never carried a gun, but he kept a donut in his suit pocket. I saw him walk up to Vinnie and shove a donut up his nose. Vinnie never saw it coming. I didn't know what to do.

What do you do when you see a donut shoved up a guys nose? They don't train for that in the academy.

I got out of there as fast as I could and ran to the nearest church. And as soon as I saw the priest I noticed he had a donut in his hand, I said "Is everybody in on this?"

The priest looked confused to what I was talking about. But I knew...I knew.

So, let this be a warning to all of you. Enjoy life while you can. 'Cause people are out there...and they want to shove a donut up your nose.

*This has been a public service announcement*